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 The Two Kingdoms-By Ava

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Sugenny
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PostSubject: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 7:51 pm

Okay,this is similar to a book I read a while ago.No,I don't know the title of it sadly!

Spoiler:
 



''[20:11:53] @ Jade Harley : @Lucy probably I dont know''


Last edited by Jade Harley on Sat 08 Jun 2013, 2:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 7:56 pm

Seems interesting so far. Try using different adjectives; For example, you used the adjective " beautiful" in the same sentence twice; It makes it a bit boring. Here's a tip; try to set a mood for your writing.

EXAMPLE:

NO: I watched as the sun set behind the ocean.
YES: I watched as the beautiful sun set behind the glistening, transparent sea.

The mood trying to be set is peacefulness; and all the adjectives are different, and not boring.

Even if you do this, the adjectives are weak:

: I watched as the bright sun set behind the pretty ocean.


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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:08 pm

Lucky wrote:
Seems interesting so far. Try using different adjectives; For example, you used the adjective " beautiful" in the same sentence twice; It makes it a bit boring. Here's a tip; try to set a mood for your writing.

EXAMPLE:

NO: I watched as the sun set behind the ocean.
YES: I watched as the beautiful sun set behind the glistening, transparent sea.

The mood trying to be set is peacefulness; and all the adjectives are different, and not boring.

Even if you do this, the adjectives are weak:

: I watched as the bright sun set behind the pretty ocean.

Ah,sorry I was busy arguing with me sister I'll add more in a bit.



''[20:11:53] @ Jade Harley : @Lucy probably I dont know''
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:09 pm

This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next.
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:12 pm

Faith wrote:
This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next.



I Know. However, writing becomes better when descriptive is used.


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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:16 pm

Lucky wrote:
Faith wrote:
This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next.



I Know. However, writing becomes better when descriptive is used.

It's fine,I appreciate the critique Flower c:



''[20:11:53] @ Jade Harley : @Lucy probably I dont know''
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Fri 07 Jun 2013, 11:39 pm

Well then, this seems to range between different things. Choose either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person.
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Sat 08 Jun 2013, 2:39 am

Okay,I'm going to continue writing.
EDIT:I finished it,sorda rushed.



''[20:11:53] @ Jade Harley : @Lucy probably I dont know''
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:18 am

Yes, this is better. I like how you put it into paragraphs. Remember, the maximum amount of sentences in a paragraph should be 24. I like the detail you put forth, it shows some effort - not a lot, but there's always room for improvement.
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:38 am

i really like it Smile
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Sat 08 Jun 2013, 4:27 pm

@Ariana thanks,I'm going to re-edit it when I come back from my sleepover tomorrow or later today!
@Linda I'm glad you liked it!



''[20:11:53] @ Jade Harley : @Lucy probably I dont know''
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PostSubject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava    Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:06 pm

Okay Jade, I'm really looking forward to it.
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