| | | The Two Kingdoms-By Ava |  |
| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Sugenny
Founder
Posts : 117
Stars : 151
Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : A Chamber
| Subject: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava  Fri 07 Jun 2013, 7:51 pm | |
| Okay,this is similar to a book I read a while ago.No,I don't know the title of it sadly! - Spoiler:
On a sunny Spring day in the cloud Kingdom a beautiful princess that brightened up the Kingdom was named Manny,she lived in a beautiful cloud castle,made of pink and blue clouds.Everything was perfect at Cloud Kingdom,all the kids learned and played and there was no drama what so ever.But one day, Cronelis the evil Prince made a plot to destroy Cloud Kingdom along with its Happiness.
You see,Cronelis lived in a Lightning Kingdom everyone lived in poverty BESIDES Cronelis and his family.He destroyed everyone's property,and sent hatred to everyone around him.Cronelis didn't know that Manny was as beautiful as a rose petal,or even like a Daisy on a summery day.
Cronelis sent his Lightning Army to destroy Cloud Kingdom for all enternity.Cronelis got on his black and white pony,and took off to the Cloud Castle to destroy the citizens and their homes.Once Cronelis got there,Manny was on her knees chained up by the soldiers,a tear fell down Manny's cheek and the cloud floor soon turned into grass,another tear dropped and the soldiers felt to their knees begging for mercy as Manny tightened her power around them,Manny was blood bending!! The soldiers dropped,and Manny looked at Cronelis and her face softened.
She knew him,but with out no mercy Manny took her powers and killed Cronelis.Ever since then,Cronelis has been haunting the Castle's in Cloud Kingdom,waiting for his Princess to meet him in Heaven.
Last edited by Jade Harley on Sat 08 Jun 2013, 2:46 am; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | | A
Moderator
Posts : 173
Stars : 129
Join date : 2013-05-30
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 7:56 pm | |
| Seems interesting so far. Try using different adjectives; For example, you used the adjective " beautiful" in the same sentence twice; It makes it a bit boring. Here's a tip; try to set a mood for your writing.
EXAMPLE:
NO: I watched as the sun set behind the ocean.
YES: I watched as the beautiful sun set behind the glistening, transparent sea.
The mood trying to be set is peacefulness; and all the adjectives are different, and not boring.
Even if you do this, the adjectives are weak:
: I watched as the bright sun set behind the pretty ocean. | |
| | | | Sugenny
Founder
Posts : 117
Stars : 151
Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : A Chamber
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:08 pm | |
| - Lucky wrote:
- Seems interesting so far. Try using different adjectives; For example, you used the adjective " beautiful" in the same sentence twice; It makes it a bit boring. Here's a tip; try to set a mood for your writing.
EXAMPLE:
NO: I watched as the sun set behind the ocean.
YES: I watched as the beautiful sun set behind the glistening, transparent sea.
The mood trying to be set is peacefulness; and all the adjectives are different, and not boring.
Even if you do this, the adjectives are weak:
: I watched as the bright sun set behind the pretty ocean. Ah,sorry I was busy arguing with me sister I'll add more in a bit. | |
| | | | Ariana
Constellation
Posts : 273
Stars : 376
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 24
Location : The treasure chest under Rachel's bed.
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:09 pm | |
| This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next. | |
| | | | A
Moderator
Posts : 173
Stars : 129
Join date : 2013-05-30
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:12 pm | |
| - Faith wrote:
- This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next.
I Know. However, writing becomes better when descriptive is used. | |
| | | | Sugenny
Founder
Posts : 117
Stars : 151
Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : A Chamber
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 8:16 pm | |
| - Lucky wrote:
- Faith wrote:
- This isn't an RP flower, but we appreciate your criticism. Are you open to critiques Ava? I like this so far, really nice. Can't wait to see what happens next.
I Know. However, writing becomes better when descriptive is used. It's fine,I appreciate the critique Flower c: | |
| | | | Ariana
Constellation
Posts : 273
Stars : 376
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 24
Location : The treasure chest under Rachel's bed.
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Fri 07 Jun 2013, 11:39 pm | |
| Well then, this seems to range between different things. Choose either 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person. | |
| | | | Sugenny
Founder
Posts : 117
Stars : 151
Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : A Chamber
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Sat 08 Jun 2013, 2:39 am | |
| Okay,I'm going to continue writing.
EDIT:I finished it,sorda rushed. | |
| | | | Ariana
Constellation
Posts : 273
Stars : 376
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 24
Location : The treasure chest under Rachel's bed.
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:18 am | |
| Yes, this is better. I like how you put it into paragraphs. Remember, the maximum amount of sentences in a paragraph should be 24. I like the detail you put forth, it shows some effort - not a lot, but there's always room for improvement. | |
| | | | linda88
Star Galaxy
Posts : 146
Stars : 174
Join date : 2013-06-07
Location : in cooky village
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:38 am | |
| i really like it  | |
| | | | Sugenny
Founder
Posts : 117
Stars : 151
Join date : 2013-05-30
Age : 23
Location : A Chamber
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Sat 08 Jun 2013, 4:27 pm | |
| @Ariana thanks,I'm going to re-edit it when I come back from my sleepover tomorrow or later today!
@Linda I'm glad you liked it! | |
| | | | Ariana
Constellation
Posts : 273
Stars : 376
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 24
Location : The treasure chest under Rachel's bed.
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava Sat 08 Jun 2013, 5:06 pm | |
| Okay Jade, I'm really looking forward to it. | |
| | | | Sponsored content
| | Subject: Re: The Two Kingdoms-By Ava | |
| |
| | | | | | The Two Kingdoms-By Ava | |
|
| | Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| | Who is online? | In total there are 2 users online :: 0 Registered, 0 Hidden and 2 Guests None Most users ever online was 122 on Fri 09 Apr 2021, 2:21 pm |
|
